It has been a while..
I have moved house and life since my operation in April has been a little testing. About a month ago (I think?) I had a fertility test done privately in hope it would help me with the big decision of whether to have everything removed or not, but it actually made it all far more complicated. Turns out my eggs are fine and I have enough, I just don't have long to use them. It has been hard to process and a lot of tears have been cried, as I really don't know what to do. Given I am not in a relationship, my only way of having a baby would be to use donor sperm. This isn't the way anyone dreams or even imagines they would become a mum, and certainly wasn't how I had thought my life would pan out, but it is what it is. At the beginning of the year I was set on having everything removed, as in theory given my pain is only during my periods, that without them I would be fine and could perhaps live a normal life, but then having thought about it a little more, I really don't see the point in life without being a mum. I know, before anyone says "you can adopt" that there are other ways of being a mum, but as we all know it isn't the same as going through the process of getting that positive pregnancy test, carrying and delivering your own child, and then them having bits of your personality and looks. Those that know me, will know what a huge decision this is, as I have never even questioned the thought of being a mum, I have always known from a young age that I wanted children.
Life really is so unfair. Why me? Why can't it be someone who is happy not having children?
I really need to make my decision as each month that goes by, my periods are only getting worse, and it really is taking control of my life. I haven't had a job since February, as I had to turn one down due to it being too physical for me to cope with, as every month I am either in agonising pain and lying on the floor, or I am bleeding so much that it looks like a murder scene. I really wish I was exaggerating, but that is the reality. The clinic also keep calling me, and between them and my body, I just feel pressured in to making a decision, but I also know the longer I leave it, the harder it is going to be either way.
If I am quiet or seem in a mood, the above is why and I am sorry.
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