Less than 2 years after my diagnosis, I had another operation and was told my Endometriosis was spreading and my insides were all red and angry meaning my fertility could be at risk. I decided to go privately and see a fertility specialist at a local clinic and get some tests done.
My results came back and I was advised there is a very high chance I will be unable to conceive naturally, and that IVF would be the route I would have to take, but also that my time is running out. I didn’t realise how big this decision was until it started to sink in. What I do know is that I cannot continue with how my periods are monthly, so being black and white, I either had to have everything removed and lose my chances of being a mum, but I then no longer have periods and hopefully no pain, or to have my eggs frozen to give me a little time and have a baby through IVF. How do you even make a decision like that, that will change your life forever?
The hardest part is, I cannot imagine life without being a mum. I know plenty of people who have chosen to not have children, and I respect their decision, but that is not me. I would give everything to not go through this right now.
It is often hard for people to understand when they aren’t going through this themselves, and I get that. Being told I have Endometriosis, PCOS and fertility issues really made me think about my future, and it hurts to think there is a high chance I may not be able to be a mum. To some, this wouldn’t be an issue, but those that know me, know I need to be a mother. Most don’t need to worry about this, so count yourself lucky if you are one of them, and please think before judging others. If you were told your only chance to have a baby or to start the process was now, what would you do? See, hard isn’t it. You have to do what is right for you, and not everyone will agree and understand, and that is ok.
I must seem like I am always complaining, but I am sure you would too if trying to live a normal life wasn’t possible. Imagine worrying about all events, dinners, gym classes, anything you have planned and want to do, that your period will then ruin them and you could be on the floor in agony, being sick or even pass out. This is my life and why I moan. The sad fact is, part of my body is doing more harm than good. It controls and takes over everything. The pain is something else and the only way I can describe it, is “contractions”. I try to breathe deeply through it, but end up just screaming and crying. I had to make a decision as things needed to change.
A lot of thinking and a lot of tears later, I decided to go through with IVF from this month (September), which if I am honest, I am sh*t scared about. It feels like such a huge thing and will be life changing whether it works or not, but it is what I need to do.
The IVF package I have chosen is one cycle of IVF meaning medication/treatment, scans/appts, egg collection, freezing for up to a year, and a frozen embryo transfer when I feel ready within that time, to then have a baby. I can pay for my eggs to be frozen for longer, but the quality decreases as time goes on, and it’s already an expensive process and that would then mean more money. But also, until egg collection, I won’t know how many they will be able to retrieve, if any, and also the quality of my eggs. My dream of being a mum could fail at the first hurdle and I need to be prepared for that.
You don’t have to get it, and you don’t have to understand, all I am asking is that you try, because this is the hardest decision I have ever had to make, and obviously it is not an ideal situation. It’s not the dream world let’s be honest, but it is something I have decided to do, and all I want is to feel supported, because I don’t know what is going to happen, and I don’t know if I will get a baby in the future after all of this, and that is just something I am going to have to process.
I may never be able to be a mum, and if they don’t manage to get any eggs, or the quality isn’t good enough, at least I can say I have tried.
But if it works, that future child of mine will be loved more than anything in this world, and I will know this whole process was worth it.
All I am asking for is support, whether you agree with my decisions now and in the future, or not. I need all the positive vibes to get me through this. Love you and thank you.
“Where there is love, there is life”
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